Stay
by arctic-priince
Summary: Sometimes Blaine wonders why he stays. Warning: abusive relationships, talk of suicide, self-harm & mental illness.


Sometimes Blaine wonders why he puts up with it. Why he stays in a relationship that's slowly ruining him and any chance he ever had at happiness. Breaking him down just as effectively as any bully has ever done. Sometimes he wonders why he stays, but most of the time he knows why. It's not because of love, though it's still present as a faint echo in his heart. It's because Kurt is sick and he doesn't mean it. No, that's not right. Kurt definitely means it and maybe that's why he can't leave. Because he knows that every word out of Kurt's mouth is the truth. It's _Kurt's _truth, at the very least.

_I hate you. I love you. I can't live without you. I'll kill myself if you leave. You're just waiting for m__e to die. You don't love me anymore._

All those words are true. Kurt both loves and hates him, Blaine's certain of that. Loves him for staying and hates him for it at the same time. Blaine sometimes wonders if Kurt just wants an excuse to kill himself. To finally die. And sometimes Blaine is tempted to let him. For both their sakes. He knows how to do it. Just five little words and Kurt would be dead.

"I'm breaking up with you"

Because Blaine is also 100% certain that Kurt will kill himself if Blaine leaves. He's found Kurt on the floor of their shared apartment before, a bottle of aspirin lying empty by his side. He's found Kurt in the tub, his body cold and unmoving and the water tainted red with blood. He knows exactly what Kurt is capable of and if he hadn't seen it first hand a quick look at his arms would have told him. He's run his fingers over the scars and scabs and open wounds more times than he can count. Has watched as Kurt drags the knife over his skin and how the tension seems to bleed out of his body with every new cut.

Kurt gets pills from his psychiatrist. Sometimes he takes them and gets a little better. Sometimes he refuses and Blaine doesn't know how to force him. Sometimes he takes them only to throw them up with his food, his finger pushed deep into his throat. This week he hasn't taken them again and Blaine doesn't want to go home. Knows how Kurt will react to the fact that he was out with Sam. Sweet, innocent and _nice_ Sam. His friend. And they really _are _just friends. But Kurt won't believe him. People tell him that it's because Kurt doesn't trust him, but Blaine isn't sure if that's true. He pretty sure that the reason Kurt's so certain he's cheating has more to do with his own insecurities than his trust in Blaine. Maybe it's a little of both.

Either way, that's why Blaine is standing outside their apartment door wondering whether or not he should enter. Whether it's worth it. But there's that fear. What if doesn't go in now and when he comes back later it's too late? What if Kurt has done something stupid again. He knows then that he doesn't really have a choice. Maybe he never really had one. He sighs heavily before opening the door and calling out for Kurt. He doesn't get an answer and he quickly takes off his jacket and rushes in to check the rooms. He feels stupid, however, as he finds Kurt alive and well in the living room. He's wearing a gray sweater and is bundled up on the couch staring at nothing.

"Hey, Kurt." He tries hesitantly entering the room. He shivers a little as Kurt turns his head to look at him. Kurt's voice is hoarse as he speaks.

"Where were you?" Blaine closes his eyes for a moment. He knows exactly where this is going. Kurt had called him earlier and, as he'd been in the bathroom, Sam had answered. Kurt knows exactly where he's been.

"I was with Sam, Kurt. You know, my _friend_. " Kurt snorts at that ignoring Blaine as he sits down next to the younger man. Despite his superior height, Kurt looks so small sitting next to him. Fragile and young with his knees pressed to his chest.

"Kurt, come on. We were just hanging out. Nothing happened. I promise." Kurt refuses to look at him and fiddles with his sweater as he answers.

"And I'm supposed to believe you? Just like that. I told you not go near him, Blaine." Blaine sighs, suddenly feeling very tired.

"He's my friend, Kurt. You can't just ask me not to see him anymore. It doesn't work like that." Kurt looks at him again at that, his eyes filled with anger sadness and that sense of hopelessness that's always present nowadays.

"He's gay, Blaine! That's why it's not okay. Can't you just stay away from him? It's not that fucking hard! If you don't love him, if you're not _screwing_ him there's no reason why you should want to be with him like this!" Kurt has turned around on the couch and is facing him properly as his voice grows louder.

"I need to be able to see my friends, Kurt. Sam being gay has nothing to do with that." He tries to keep his voice calm, but it's getting increasingly harder.

"I _need_ this, I _need_ that." Kurt's voice is low in a cruel parody of Blaine's previous statement and Blaine can feel his cheeks burning hot with shame.

"God, you're so pathetic! What, you _need_ his big cock or something? It's not satisfying enough to be in a relationship with a bottom? Is that it? Because I'm not gonna change my sexual preferences to make _you_ happy!" At this point Blaine can feel the familiar sting of tears. He wants to cry, out of frustration and anger and sadness and _shame_. He's angry, because Kurt is such a hypocrite. Blaine prefers to bottom too, Kurt _knows_ that yet he refuses to ever top forcing Blaine into a position that he doesn't particularly like. It's not like Blaine hates topping, but there's something so wrong with the fact that they're only ever doing things in bed that _Kurt_ finds hot. It's always when Kurt wants it and _how_ he wants it and it's starting to wear him out.

"That's not true! I'm not having sex with him. Jesus, Kurt. You can even _check_ if you want to. I _promise_ I'm not screwing him. " Kurt grows silent at that, waiting a moment before answering. His eyes cynical and his smile cruel.

"Maybe not. But you want to." And there it is again. Kurt's amazing ability to make him feel like trash. Like _he's_ the one who's in the wrong. Because, yeah, Blaine wants to have sex with Sam. The boy is hot and it's been a long time since his been with someone who could, _would,_ actually top him. Or even just care about _his_ needs while fucking. But he would never do it and that's what should matter, right? He knows that Kurt finds other men attractive all the time, that he probably wants to have sex with them, so why does he feel so god damn guilty?

"Kurt… That's not true. You know I love you, I-"

"Don't deny it. I've seen how you look at him. I know you think I'm a fucking psycho or something, and maybe you're right, but I'm not _stupid_! Those pretty pills you're always pushing me to take don't make me _blind_. I can see that you like him. You're always like this. So god damn desperate." Blaine can feel the tears finally rolling down his cheeks at the harsh words, feels his chest constricting and making it hard to breathe. He hates this. He hates how Kurt is right; he _is_ desperate. And he hates crying and how it makes him feel, how angry it makes Kurt. It's never done him any good before, so why can't he stop the tears? He's just so tired.

"Why are you crying? You always do that; you always turn it around to be about you. Nothings ever your fault! You're just so innocent. Perfect, polite, _innocent_ Blaine. Always so fucking perfect." Blaine's breathing heavily as he tries to keep himself from sobbing, wiping his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt. He's ridiculously grateful when Kurt doesn't say anything for another minute, waiting for Blaine to get himself together. When Blaine feels like he can breathe again, he speaks. Uttering the only words that can ever put and end to this conversation.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Kurt. You're right I shouldn't have gone to Sam's and I should have told you. I'm sorry, so please…" Kurt looks unimpressed, but his eyes have softened somewhat so Blaine knows it was the right thing to say.

"Please what?" Kurt is moving closer to him on the couch as he speaks, resting one skinny hand on Blaine chest. It feels like an invasion. Blaine isn't sure what to think about it.

"Please forgive me." Kurt smiles a little at that and Blaine breathes out in relief until Kurt moves to sit in his lap. It's uncomfortable and Blaine is vaguely aware that having your significant other in your lap should never feel like threat. It shouldn't make him feel nauseous and uncertain like this. Kurt pats his hair, like he would a dog, before answering.

"I'll forgive you if you kiss me." Blaine does. A chaste kiss with his hands on Kurt's hips. Kurt rests his hands on Blaine shoulders then and leans down to whisper in his ear.

"Show me how much you love me, Blaine. How much you need me. You don't need anyone else, okay? You have me." Blaine tries, he really does. He grabs the taller mans hips harder and leans in to deepen the kiss. Runs his tongue over Kurt's teeth asking for entrance. It's quickly granted and Blaine tries to get into exploring his lovers mouth. Tries to make it feel like it used to, when they were both young and Kurt had been vibrant and bright and _beautiful_. He misses that Kurt. And he grieves for him. For the loss of the innocent young boy who sang female power ballads at the top of his lungs and who blushed at the mere mention of sex. The boy who had smiled adoringly at him and ran around in an empty common room to the tunes of "Baby, it's cold outside." The person who had looked at him like nothing else mattered, like Blaine was the most beautiful boy in the world, lying in his bed at the Dalton Academy dorms.

But that person isn't here now and when Blaine feels Kurt's fingers skimming under his shirt, he knows that he can't do it. He can't have sex with Kurt. Not now, when he still feels so hurt and vulnerable and scared. He just can't.

Which is why he pushes Kurt away from him, gently, breaking their kiss with a sigh. He closes his eyes as Kurt leans into him again, placing a hand on the thin mans chest. Kurt startles and looks up at him, his eyes once again filled with anger and uncertainty.

"Kurt, I don't… I can't do this right now. I'm sorry, I-" He _feels _the slap before he sees it and is stunned into silence by the stinging pain in his cheek. There's a faint ringing sound in his ears. It hurts. Then Kurt is out of his lap and grabbing one of the empty glasses standing on the table in front of them. Blaine only has a second to be worried that Kurt is going to throw it at _him_, before he hears the sound of broken glass meeting the floor. He breathes out in relief, his breath shaking.

"I knew it! I fucking knew it! So how was it, huh? Does he have big cock? _God_! What happened to you Blaine? Why don't you want me anymore? I don't now what the fuck you want from me!" Blaine wants a lot of things from Kurt. He wants Kurt to stop hitting him, for one. It doesn't happen very often and rarely more than a slap, but Kurt is stronger than he looks and he's sure to leave a mark. And then people will ask questions. Blaine doesn't like questions. It makes everything so much harder. And he wants Kurt to stop making him feel like human trash in his own home. He wants Kurt to be happy again.

Blaine wants a lot of things from Kurt, but he stays silent anyway. Blaine vaguely registers that Kurt is crying now, standing in front of him at the other end of table. He has rolled up the sleeves of his sweater and Blaine can see the red marks of new cuts. Cuts that weren't there yesterday which probably means that Kurt did it while Blaine was with Sam and suddenly he feels like shit again. He went to hang out with Sam even though he _knew_ it was going to hurt Kurt. God, he really _is_ an ass. When Kurt starts talking again they're both crying, Kurt's words coming out in hitched sobs.

"You know, I-I try so hard for you! You're e-everything to me, Blaine. Everything. Can't you see that? I take those awful pills even though they make me feel like shit. I take them cause you ask me to, but-but what's the point? You're never here anymore, Blaine! And when you are you never spend any time with me. You know, sometimes I think that you're just waiting for me to die."

Blaine has heard those words before, but they never stop hurting. They always make him feel guilty and sad and scared. Why can't he just feel grateful for what he has? It's not like Kurt is beating him up or anything, and Blaine knows that Kurt isn't purposefully trying to hurt him. He knows that Kurt is doing his best, has read more than enough about Kurt's mental illnesses to know how hard it must be. He knows that the most simple of tasks are devastatingly hard for Kurt. That sometimes just getting up from bed is enough to have him completely devoid of energy for the rest of the day. That simple things like eating a meal will have Kurt wanting to punish himself for days or throwing up in the bathroom. Blaine knows all those things, and yet he still feels unhappy. He also knows, rationally, exactly what this is. It's the kind of relationship he never thought he'd end up in. Has heard the name of it a thousand times at school and even more times from the mouth of his friends.

_Abusive relationship._

Blaine isn't stupid. He knows that staying will ruin him, but he also knows that he'll never leave. Because every time Kurt hits him, or screams at him and Blaine finally thinks; _this is enough_. _I can't do this anymore_. Every time Blaine comes home with the intention of leaving his abuser, Kurt will be crying. He will be small and fragile, his malnourished and underweight body racked with sobs. He'll eventually apologize and put ice on Blaine's throbbing face with gentle fingers. He'll tell him how much Blaine means to him and how he'll die if they ever break up.

And Blaine will stay. He'll hold Kurt until he isn't shaking anymore and apologize again and again if that's what it takes for that hurt little boy in his arms to stop crying. Do anything to see that brilliant smile again. Because Kurt is beautiful when he smiles and Blaine knows he'll never leave him. He won't run away this time. Never again.


End file.
